


A "Sorry I screwed up" Card

by Ghelik



Series: The 100 Fics [10]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Possession, Aftermath of Torture, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Future Fic, Post-Season/Series 03, Rape Aftermath, unbetad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-28 04:52:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8432536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghelik/pseuds/Ghelik
Summary: Emori and Murphy have a talk about Ontari, the chip and what they have done to survive.





	

**Author's Note:**

> once again a prompt by @daisytachi:  
> "I would be happy to read something about Memori.. he talks about the rape and her about why she took the chip"

The tree is high and sturdy and its branches grow so close together they form the perfect hiding spot. Not that he’s hiding. But if he were, this would be a perfect place to do it. As it is, he’s just sitting up here because he needed a break from everything. Murphy could have gone to one of the watchtowers in the wall of Arkadia. But there are guards and they would take a look at him and _know_. He’s tired of people knowing. He can feel it in the way they sift when he enters a room, the way they mumble and point when they think he’s not paying attention.

  
He got into a fistfight with one of the arkers the other day and now he can’t properly open his left eye. That dude knew, too, because he was in the City of Light and everyone that had been there _knows._

  
Murphy rubs a rag between his fingers. The black blood isn’t there anymore, he knows it isn’t. He’s cleaned them so often, there’s no way. But still they look darker – black blood embedded into the creases of the skin, the nailbeds. It makes him sick to his stomach. Every time he sees them, he sees that wretched heart and remembers who it belonged to and… well… His skin feels filthy and not in a “you haven't bathed in five days”-way but more in a “you’ve done something disgusting”-way.

  
There is a soft rustling of leaves as Emori climbs onto the tree and sits on a branch on the other side of the trunk.

 

She knows, too. Not only what he’s told her, but every filthy detail. He feels like puking, but he swallows and puts the rag away. It isn’t helping anyway.

 

They sit in silence for a while. Silences with Emori have always been easy. They shouldn’t be any more, but they still are. A part of him is glad he still has that, not that he’ll ever admit it out loud.  
  


"I looked everywhere for you," says Emori from the other side of the tree. "Jaha came to me when he heard about Heda’s new flame-keeper."

  
"And you just believed him and took the chip."

He can practically hear her shrug. "He would only help me get into Polis if I took the key."

 

Murphy has to snort at that because he doesn’t think there’s anywhere Emori couldn’t go if she really put her mind into it.

 

"So it was all a lie," his voice sounds flat and matter of fact. He had known this already. At least partly. It doesn’t hurt less, though.

 

"I wasn’t lying. Not… Not like that."

 

His gaze wanders around at the treetops surrounding him. It feels like looking out of the small windows in the Ark at the stars and meteors and whatnot. He feels alone. Maybe he should have taken the bloody chip and he would be in on the joke. "So," he licks his lips, "how exactly were you not lying to me when you came to the flame-keepers’ room?"

 

"ALIE takes away the pain, but most of the time she lets you be you. Only when she takes control everything gets shoved down. Everything that you are is put away in a tiny box. And you can only look and take it." Murphy shudders. "She hadn’t taken over when I went to you. Until then she had only taken away the pain and the fear. Jaha was right, I wouldn’t have been brave enough to go into Polis without ALIE taking away the fear."

 

He remembers her: cocky and bright. Of course, her hand had been covered, but she had been laughing most of the time, not a care in the world. Murphy should have known. 

  
"When did she take over?"

 

SIlence. Then: "I am not sure anymore. I only know that… I wasn’t lying. I had been looking for you everywhere. I was happy to find you and…"

 

"And to discover that I had been sleeping with Ontari?" he growls fierce and ruthless because it'll hurt her. The hate he feels is not even directed at Emori.

 

He can’t see her, but he can hear her shifting against the trunk.

"Did you enjoy it? Her question is soft and unobtrusive. Her tone almost  _kind._ Emori doesn't do kind. Out here kind gets you killed. A spike of anger flares in his chest.  

 

"You tell me." Everyone seems to know how he's supposed to feel, after all. 

 

Emori’s voice is freezing cold when she says: "I only know she did." Murphy tries to answer, but she keeps going and he can only listen and feel disgusted with himself. His hands look black. "I know everything she thought and saw when she looked at you. I know how she remembered your… You."

 

 

"No," he answers, his voice a barely-there whisper.

For a moment they stay silent. Then:

"You did what you had to do to survive, John. There’s nothing shameful about that."

 

"Then why do I feel so bad about it? Why can’t I sleep at night or hear the clinging of metal or..." he plucks a pinecone from one of the smaller branches around him and throws it with a frustrated growl.

 

"I’d rather you slept with her and are alive than you didn’t and be dead. It was a survivors move, John. We are survivors. That’s what we do."

 

He wrestles with everything that writhes in his chest, all the random emotions of loathing and shame and hate and anger that burn through him like nothing has ever done ever before. He knows that only a tiny part of it is directed at Ontari. 

 

"Do you know if the old timers did cards for this sort of things?" she hums after a while.

 

Murphy frowns. "Cards?"

 

"They had cards for all sorts of things. Birthdays and births and deaths and random days in the year. They had messages like 'I wish you a happy valentine' or 'Sorry for your loss'. I was little I had a box full of them."

 

He drags his tongue over his teeth. "If I find a card that says 'I am sorry I slept with a power-hungry mad grounder that would have gutted me with her hunting knife if I hadn’t' I’ll bring it to you.

 

She laughs softly.

 

"I’ll look for a card that says 'I am sorry I let an evil machine take over my brain and my body while trying to rescue you, which resulted in me psychologically torturing you in order to stall you in the destruction of a hard drive that would have ended this mess a lot sooner'."

 

"That is oddly specific."

 

"Yeah. I remember I had a 'I’m sorry I screwed up' card, though."

 

Murphy finds himself smiling for the first time in a long time. It pulls at his muscles and feels strange.

 

"I want that one."

 

She laughs, and it’s brighter than he has heard in a long time, but not as bright as it used to be. He licks his lips. "I did lie to you, though."

 

"Hm?"

 

"Yes. That rat was the worst I ever had."

 

She gasps exaggeratedly. "You don’t mean that!"

 

"Yes, I do. Worst rat cook I’ve seen."

 

"You only say that because you’re a picky skaikru that wouldn’t recognize a good rat if it bit him in the ass."

 

"Nah. It’s you."

 

"I’ll let you know, I’m the best rat-cook in my family."

 

"Yeah, well, I am the most honest man in mine. It’s not saying much."

 

She throws him a pinecone and he jumps down of the tree.

 

"You’re just mad because you know I can cook ten times better than you!" he shouts up at her and laughs when he hears her mock-angry shout and her feet crunching on the dead leaves blanketing the ground.

He takes off, running through the trees at full speed.

Of course, she catches up to him in no time, tackling him to the ground. They roll on the leaves and she ends up straddling his chest and pinning his arms over his head with her good hand the other resting lightly on the side of his face.

 

His heart is hammering against his chest.

 

This… this is what his mom must have felt for his dad, he thinks. And he thinks he understands why she hated him so much when his dad died.

 

Emori smiles down at him, bright and perfect and it makes the pain and the anger and the hate die down a little.

 

Murphy tries to dislodge her and when he goes to head-butt her, he ends up kissing her instead.

**Author's Note:**

> As always this was unbeta'd.  
> Thanks for reading


End file.
